Angelus' Quote: It's Time to Break Things Off

If you’re feeling too much pressure to have sex, you’re dating the wrong person – and it’s time to break things off. If you’re seeing someone who’s pressuring you to become sexually active, here’s an important question to ask yourself: Why, in the name of common sense, would you want to date a person like that? After all, if the person you’re dating really cares about you – and if that person wants to spend the rest of his or her life with you – waiting isn’t really a sacrifice, it’s an honor. But if the person you’re dating simply views you as sexual conquest, then you’d better run, run as fast as you can… in the opposite direction, to God and His Word.

Common sense tells you to wait; God’s Word commands you to wait, and your conscience begs you to wait. So wait! And if somebody tells you to do otherwise, you have absolutely no business dating them. If you’re feeling pressure from your date, it’s time to end your date.

Goodbye!

THINK BIG. START SMALL. GO DEEP.

Date Differently: (3G) Guys, Girls, Do it God's Way

I confess that I plagiarized and modified this article from Winkie Pratney’s Doorways to Discipleship (Communication Foundation Publishers, 1975), page 141-143. I also modernized the language and edited some ‘old’ words to familiar ones for easy reading and understanding. Yes, I will be responsible for any copyright laws suit – and for making this valuable message available online.  

[I think the title of this article is brilliant. Thank you]. God made us different. We can have friendships of many kinds that are shallow of the friendship of God. Some of the loveliest friendships of all are those that can develop in early years of getting to know the complimentary sex. It is wise to know the differences God has put in men’s and women’s personalities so we can understand how to date God’s way and understand how the “other” thinks. Based on this book that I read and my own personal experiences (mostly my failures to understand), I divided our differences into two categories: physical and mental.

Physical

Apart from fairly obvious sexual differences, God has made most men physically stronger than women. Now, I know there are exceptions, I know all about the woman who weights four hundred pounds, has a black belt in karate and can climb up mount Kinabalu with heavy luggage on her back. But usually, God made a man stronger physically so that he can protect his girl and take care of her. Now, girls turn physically into woman sooner than boys turn into men. When most guys are playing video games, running in gangs, and flying kites, girls their age are desperately falling in love with their math teachers! This mean a girl can have a woman’s body but a little girl’s mind. It can lead you girls into dating older guys.

It can also lead to trouble unless you know what’s happening and get ready for it. That’s why some fathers freak-out when they discover their little girl is going out somewhere with an older guy (Nicholas Spark, my favourite novel writer, know this). Dad have been around. They may not understand the reasons. But most probably they care about you, or even sometimes because they remember something of their own past with some guilt and regret. I do too.

Mental

There are usually mental differences between men and women. Now wait! Don’t judge me quickly. This has nothing to do with intelligence. A lot of woman are smarter than guys I know. If you realised, the Book of Proverbs is filled with warnings to men about the wiles of the strange women, but never feels it necessary to warn women about strange men. Girls can be every bit as brilliant as any man around, as far as thinking is concerned. The difference has to do with the ways God designed us to use our intelligence. There is a basic difference between the way a girl thinks and the way a man thinks.

A man operates like a computer. He is matter-of-fact. He is line-on-line, precept-by-precept person. He think logically in straight lines, adding fact to fact to get a conclusion. His thoughts go like this: “1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… and therefore, ‘bing!’ …7!”

A girl on the other hand thinks less like a computer than she does by a feminine form of ‘extrasensory perception’ (or can I call it ‘sixth sense’?). Her thoughts come in bundles from all over the place, as God has made her to be intuitive and inspirational. She has her ‘vibe’ collectors out everywhere, and she prefers to run by ‘their’ messages than by ‘normal’ channels of logic. Her thoughts may go like this on the above problems: “1… ah… 4… 3… ah… Bing!.. Therefore, 7!” This, of course, totally blows her boyfriend’s mind as my girlfriend did to me! He can’t even understand how she got from one place to another, how she came up with the right idea from all the wrong reasoning and all the wrong sources, or how in the world she can get the right answer from all the wrong logic. Give up, brothers! You’ll never do it. God probably didn’t intend for us to understand. He just made us so we can enjoy it, and be amazed and amused at the mystery of a girl.

Now This is Important

God made us different. We are equal to God, but we are different. These two basically different ways of looking at things make each sex superior to the other in the role God has given them. The girl is superior to the guy in her way of thinking when problems of life require an inspirational, intuitive, unstructured approach. She is good at seeing the whole picture, even if she isn’t sure how to put it together. The guy is superior to the girl when a problem needs logic, fact, analysis, and detail to solve it. He is good at putting a lot of little bits together in the right place. The girl tends to see the whole forest at once; the guy tends to go in and explore each tree. If each stays in the roles God gave them, He can bring maximum blessing to their friendship or later – partnership.

Right through the Bible, beginning at creation, God has set up two roles for both sexes: the girl must INSPIRE; the man must LEAD. Each one needs the other, and both need the Lord Jesus. This is God’s pattern. When we do what we were designed to do, we will find maximum happiness in our friendships with each other, in our courtship, and in marriage (as the original author thought it should be).

THINK BIG. START SMALL. GO DEEP.

My Straightforward Counsel to Young Christian Boys and Girls (especially): Don’t Date Non-Believers

I know a girl who had grown up in a Christian family and attended church activities faithfully. She wasn’t that pretty, to be honest, but she had a tremendous singing talent and an inner love for Christ – that what make her attractive. She was everyone favourite’s girl. Everybody loved her, but she longed for a romantic relationship with a boy. Well, she told everyone on her Facebook post. Not long after that, my friends told me that they began noticing that she always absent from many of the church activities. When she did come, they said, she was not the same joyful girl as she was. Her dress and outward appearance slowly began to change too. 

One day my girl friends told me that she had been to a social club every Friday night around town area with someone. When I talked to her about it, she admitted that she been dating a non-Christian boy. ‘He is the only one who really understands me’, she said. ‘He would take me out and treat me well. I love him, Richard...’. Obviously, my advice was no match with her undying love for this boy. My friends had tried to reason with her about her love-interests with non-Christian boy, but she hardened her heart like Pharaoh'.

Few months later, came to our surprise, she announced that she was marrying the non-Christian boy and converted to other religion. She said that God would understand her action and asked us not to judge her. ‘I love him, stop lecture me!’ she ended our friendship.

About 1 year later, I heard that the girl went through some hard times and emotional pain. She was not happy. One day, the boy finally walked out of her life for good; divorced her for someone else. Since then, I lost contact with her. As far as I know, she has never come back to the Lord. I hope that the ‘rumours’ is not true.

 ‘What happened to her?’ I often asked the Lord and myself this question. I think that she wanted a boy so badly that she was willing to pay any price to have her fleshly desire fulfilled. It began slowly by turning away from God’s people to hang out with godless people. This is common scenario that is happening to many young college Christians students in Malaysia.

As a brother (I’m old enough I guess) and as a fellow Christian, I want to advise you: it is very important that the people you choose to date are Christians. You may know someone you would really like to date who is a non-Christian, but don’t! Remember this (I learned from my senior), one of the purposes for dating is to get to know someone in a way that can lead to engagement and soon marriage. Many people I knew personally had gone ahead and dated a non-Christian saying thoughtlessly, ‘Richard, we’re not going to get married! Relax la bro; I won’t be converted to (fill the blank).We’re just dating, no big deal’. In the end, in most cases, it leads to tragedy and curse. I want to warn you earlier. More importantly, God wants to spare you.

Friend, your fellowship with Jesus is disrupted when you violate God’s command and date a non-Christian. Dating a non-Christian is sin (but friendship with non-Christian is not a problem. In fact, it's trully loving). ‘How dare you say something like that Richard?!’ you may respond. I tell you; I’m afraid actually, but I dare to tell the truth. God makes that clear throughout the Bible. For example, ‘Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? …how can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?’ (2 Corinthians 6:14-15NLT; see also Deuteronomy 7:1-4).

Dating, my friend, should provide a mutual sharing on the deepest spiritual level. This is where intimacy really takes place. (I learned from my older mentor. Thank you taiko!) Rick Wilkerson wonderfully writes,

"The fulfilment in friendship – or a dating relationship – comes as two people come together in Christ to share laughter, tears, caring, and sharing based around their mutual relationship with Jesus. Only there will you find a sense of belonging and the companionship you need. Your relationship with God must come first. When it is right, the Lord can lead you into wonderful, exciting, fulfilling friendships and dating. God truly does want the very best for you".

Good summary, don't you think?
God want the very best for you.
Don't date a non-Christian.

THINK BIG. START SMALL. GO DEEP.

Week 79: Dating and New Romance - Go for it!

Introduction to Dating

There are some group of radical people teach that God doesn’t want you to date (what lonely person there are). Here I want to tell you or in other words, I want to encourage – dating. In fact, I think that dating is great and life giving experience. It’s one of the important times of growth, to have fun, to learn about the significant of human interaction and relationship. It’s natural to want a romantic dating relationship. After all, God created us to need other people. He had planted in every human heart the desire to have a healthy wonderful relationship with the other person, and because of that: God made romance. It’s not a bad thing, dating is a good thing unless it is misused.

The Problem of Human in Dating

Here are the problem that you and I both should take note of: “because dating is a human exercise, it can be a tightrope fraught with danger. You will be dating imperfect people, and some of them are more imperfect than others. In addition, you are not perfect either, so that complicates the picture. That is why you need to approach dating, with all of its strong passions and promises, with a great deal of thought, prayer, and wisdom. If you do, God can make a way for you to grow in your dating life.”* We are imperfect being, but behold, God is. In our pursuit of dating, it is important for both of us to surrender to God our whole life and pray Psalms 31:15: “My future is in your (God’s) hands.” Guide us, Lord.

Most Significant period: Dating

Dating is good, I say it again. By experienced it; you can learn from your past mistakes, you can learn what kind of people you like and don’t like, who will you love and not love (in term of male-female relationship), who you become and as a whole affect your entire life. This may sound very ‘you, you, you’ and seems to neglect ‘others’ and ‘God’, someone may say. Not so! – I believe that unless you know yourself, be true to yourself – you can have more genuine (masked off) relationship with ‘others’. A good genuine, non-plastic relationship with others pleased God. Many more I want to write… but let’s get started! Are you ready for dating?

12 Rules to Dating and New Romance

In their book God will Make a Way, Dr. Hendry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend have come out with 12 Rules for how you should approach dating. Below are the 12 Rules with my summary:

1. Begin with pursuing God and become the healthiest person you can become.

By paraphrase Matthew 6:25-34, they write, “Don’t worry about who you will date, where you will find that person, and so on. Don’t the birds figure it out? God leads them to other birds, doesn’t he? He puts the flowers in nice gardens, doesn’t he? He knows you need a social life and a satisfying dating experience. The real thing to worry about is this: Seek him and his righteousness, and good dating will follow as a fruit. Don’t worry about your future dating life, for it will take care of itself. Instead, worry about where you are with your spiritual growth today, and who you are becoming today, and what your dating looks like today. Seek him and become who he wants you to be, and your dating life will take care of itself.”

Before dating or anything else: “Seek first (God’s) his kingdom and his righteousness”. Dating begin, my friends, with you being in a process of becoming the most complete, honest, loving, responsible, satisfied person you can be. God first, dating later – it’s the most loving formula don’t you think?

2. Get your relationship needs met outside the dating context.

Allow yourself to get close enough to how you feel ‘without a man/woman’ to know who you are when you are on your own. Could it be the feeling of loneliness etc.? The writers suggest what we should get a place where our life can be full without a man/woman in our life. How? Perhaps by let other supportive people (family and friends) get close to us, to know our heart. Find someone to share your life, as opposed to a desire to get a life from someone. Place yourself out of the need zone. “If you are already loved, you will not be clingy and needy. You will make better choices when it comes to dating.”

3. Learn your patterns and work on them so you do not repeat them.

Take responsibility for your actions. See yourself as an actor instead of victim who is acted upon. We must understand that we have patterns in our dating life that need to be take note of. For example, “I have a tendency to get involved in relationships that are ……………. or ……………..”, these are your patterns. Begin to see your patterns. Do something about them before they cause serious problems in due time. “Unfortunately, a lot of people go through sad things over and over again because they don’t recognize the unhealthy patterns in which they are engaged, and thus they are destined to repeat them. Yet, as James says, when you go through trials, seek wisdom from God and persevere in the process, and then you will become complete (James 1:2-12). The though dating scenario will be in your past, never to be repeated.”

4.  Date according to a few nonnegotiable values.

Many people end up in bad relationships because they lack of purpose and don’t have a clear idea of what values they want to guide their life. The writers suggest that we should know what kind of people and situations you want to avoid, as well as those you want to cultivate.

“As you think through your list of what to avoid, remember what David said in Psalms 101. He said that he would have nothing to do with people who exhibited the following:

·  Vileness – someone who is worthless or destructive

·  Faithlessness – a derelict, or one who turns away from faith

·  Perversity – someone whose views are distorted and false

·  Slander – someone who speaks evil of others

·  Evil – someone who causes calamity and distress, someone who is wretched

·  Pride – someone who is arrogant and holds him- or herself above others

·  Deceit – someone full of betrayal and treachery

·  Lying – one who is untrue and a sham

You get to choose who you date. “You can’t pick your family or determine many of the other things that happen in life, but you can choose the person you date… be in charge of the things that are important to you.”

5. Expend your tastes

Go out and date! Anyone who was not dangerous (be precautious, but not too picky). “Be open to going out with people whom you would normally not have on your list [positives side of the above (no.4) lists]. Date to learn. Date to have fun. Date to have meaningful interactions with human beings. Look at each situation as a chance to get to know a person and find out something about yourself.”

6. Be yourself, from the beginning

“In the begging, dating is a lot about looking good, trying to impress someone, and putting forth your best foot. There is nothing wrong with that, as after you know someone better, you are more comfortable allowing yourself to be seen for who you are… so when you date, be yourself. Be who you are and give the other person the freedom to do the same.”

7. Don’t put up with bad behavior, and set good boundaries.

“Many people put up with a lot of disrespect in dating and then wonder why they are in a problem relationship. Remember, you will get what you tolerate. You are always training someone how to treat you…” Of course be able to overlook an offense for example, or don’t get so bend out of shape over little things etc. “However, if someone has a pattern of not being respectful, then don’t put up with it.”

8. Take your time.

I have seen and heard, very often that those who move into a serious relationship too quickly, they crumbled very quickly too. Slow down will ya? “What’s the rush? Why can’t he or she enjoy just getting to know you as a friend first? ...Get to know his or her friends, values, family, faith – everything you can know about someone. You have to make sure that you are not indulging your hormones or fantasies when you open the door of your heart and get serious with someone.”

Take your time, and keep your life in the process.

9. Stay connected

Don’t neglect your friends after dating! Stay connected with your family and friends. Allow your friends to be your spiritual family and depend on them for input. “Your friends can see things that you can’t, because they are not emotionally involved.” Stay connected before, during and after dating. They are your strong base in your process of making better decisions.

10. Get active

Don’t just wait on God to bring the person to you. It’s true that God will guide you to someone, God provides, yes, but he also wants us to be doing our part of getting out into life and being in the real world. We have to be ‘out there’ in all areas of life if we want to date. Take some action. For example, network with friends and family. You may find someone special out there.

11. Look in the Mirror

“If you are taking steps to meet new people and no one is showing interest in you, ask yourself why. Maybe there is something about your personality, or behavior, or the way you come across to others that you are not aware of that is getting in the way.” Ask feedback from your friends. Be patient and work on it… you may find some good things happening in the process.

12. Keep yourself pure

“God has told us to honor sex as something holy and keep it confined to the marriage relationship.” Sex outside of marriage can set you up for a lot of misery and can cause you to lose out lot of good things. Believe me, I tell you.

A Kind of Dating you can’t Miss!

Again, your relationship with God must come first. When it is right, the Lord can lead you into wonderful, exciting, fulfilling friendships and dating. Start dating with God, with faith in passionate love and wholeheartedly. Spiritually fulfilled is more important than life partner – but isn’t it great if you can balance both? Ha2 (laugh). You’re ready to date… go and have fun!

THINK BIG. START SMALL. GO DEEP.

.......................

Main reference:

1. God will Make a Way: What to do when you don't know what to do by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Published by Thomas Nelson (c) 2002. Page 101-119.