R.I.P. Tracy... And F**k You Death!

"Where, O death, is your victory?

Where, O death, is your sting?"

(1 Corinthians 15:55, NIV)

"Do not be afraid. I [Jesus Christ] am the First and the Last. I am the Living One; I was dead, and now look, I am alive forever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades."

(Revelation 1:17-18, NIV)

We are not a close friend, Tracy and I (I need to put it up front in all honesty and integrity. I don't want to have that appearance of BFF with the deceased when in fact, I'm not). A bit higher than an acquaintance but slightly lower than a best friend. Although we were a good friend during secondary school, like most school friendship, after SPM everyone was doing their own things – continue form 6 or further studies to college or university (in her case, matriculation) or went straight to workplace. Sometimes, if you're lucky, you get to be with some of your old friends. Sometimes you just get updates from one another once in a while (this was before the social media boom). And sometimes you just follow the flow – let it be – leaving the friendship under the hands of time and event. Either way, we all need to move on with our lives, right?

Occasionally, I met her at coffee shops and malls. Twice at the food fair. Since she used to work with my cousin, I get to hear some news about her. And because I met our mutual friend, John (who truly her best friend), more often than her, he will fill in the blank of what news that I might be left out. To cut the story short, we get to talk during John's wedding because we were on the same table and then to add to the festive mood, she gave me her coming-soon-wedding invitation card. I was surprised! Not just because she invited me [As I said, we were a good friend but over time, we are not a close friend] but primary because she was getting married! Do you know how HUGE is that? TRACY GETTING MARRIAGE, that's HUGE! Souness Peter, brother, if you read this, let me explain why you're VERY special to her:

Tracy was a lovely girl who became a beautiful woman. Back in secondary school, many boys like to flirt with her – you can't ignore a girl like her – but Tracy won't bother with most of them (There are some hilarious and memorable stories related to this which I won't mention here, only those who were close to us know about it). Besides all of her admirable qualities, gracious attitude and not-so-perfect characters, one exception which stands out for me is this: She often chooses the wrong guys (a**holes) as boyfriends. I told her so, she admitted it, and yet, she did it again (I know because it takes one to know one). So, you see, TRACY GETTING MARRIAGE is a HUGE thing. Was it possible for her to make a wrong decision again? Heartbroken, weaken trust, bad memories, try again? Most people won't be that quick to start all over again. Healing requires time, trust needs to be built, memories over layer the old ones. To open up again, he got to be bigger than all of this mess. "Beautiful Mess," as Jason Mraz puts it. And then you come into her life, Souness. I don't know much about you but I know this much about both of you: you and Tracy are meant to be with each other. As an outsider, I only can observe behaviors and find clues. She loves to travel, her family and cousins can witness this, but not as much as she explores places with you. You can imagine her sense of accomplishment when she conquered mountains and hills, but hiking is not as special as walking with you. Everybody say her smile is beautiful – it is – but not as bright as the day she married to you. That's when I (we, friends) knew that she was not making a mistake this time. She made the right decision, a decision that she should be proud of, a decision that she can say her own. That's HUGE. You are VERY special to her. You're the man!

And now, Death… let me ask you, how are you able to deal with the pain you cause so many of us? Days full of tears and an unbearable void that makes it hard to focus on our daily tasks. Days where the thoughts of our loved ones bring back the hurt and pain. Death, do you get tired of hearing the cries and shouts directed towards you? These few days we mourn for our beloved friend Tracy [most probably due to QT Syndrome. Google check it]. You take away her life at its prime. I can compromise when you take life when it's due or something caused by our own stupid mistakes and when you gave mercy to the suffering when they needed it the most. But why take it all of sudden? We are in shock! F**k you! She couldn't say proper goodbye or last eye contact. Empty words, just the sound of the cardiac monitor. F**k you Death! I don't hate you per se, I just don't like the way you work. You are created with a purpose, I respect that, but l can't stand "the mysterious way." Maybe we all should realize that you can come anytime – unexpected, unanticipated, and unwelcome. Maybe we all should take heed of the late Steve Jobs words, "Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life." Or Avenged Sevenfold lyrics, "Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost." Or as the Bible says, "Making the most of every opportunity…"; "Making the most of your time…"; "Redeeming the time…" (Ephesians 5:16). We all must realize that life is short. I get it. But it is appropriate to say for now – as we grief and bereave, in pain and sorrow – F**k you, Death! (I've cursed you all the way from my place to Pusat Jantung Sarawak the early morning when I heard about the news about her). 

Tracy, do you remember when you asked me for book recommendations and I point to you John Piper's Don't Waste Your Life? Do you remember when you enquired me about why there are so many Christian denominations and I said it doesn't matter as long as you believe and have faith in Christ of the Scripture? Do you remember at the coffee shop during our ‘accidentally' lunch together you probed me to revealed the motive of I'm doing student's ministry and I answered you in the form of a quote, "Only one life 'twill soon be past; Only what's done for Christ will last"? I believe you're with our Lord Jesus Christ right now. You have passed from death to life. In Christ, we ask sarcastic questions to the death-face, "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" Paul responded: "Death has been swallowed up in victory… [So] thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Corinthians 15:55-57). I'm sad. The family, friends, and colleagues are also sad right now, but let me end this rumbling article with a hopeful note, a declaration from the One who "hold the keys of death and Hades" (Revelation 1:18), an eternal promise from the Son of God, Jesus Christ: "Whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life!" (John 5:24). Tracy, yes, you have passed from death to life, so Rest In Peace!

THINK BIG. START SMALL. GO DEEP.

How to Fix A Broken Heart (2018) by Dr. Guy Winch, Book Review

How to Fix A Broken Heart (2018) by Dr. Guy Winch

You fall in love. You break someone’s heart. Your heart is broken. How to deal with this universal experience? Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist, author, and keynote speaker. His first TED Talk, Why We All Need to Practice Emotional First Aid, has been viewed more than 50 million times (also, check out his latest TED Talk on the same book title). "A broken heart is unmistakable. We think of nothing else. We feel nothing else," writes Guy. "And often, we can do nothing else except sit with the immense pain, grief, and loss. Heartbreak can last for days, weeks, months, and even years." 

Yet while we wouldn't expect someone to go to work or function well with a broken limb, heartbroken people are expected to function in their lives despite the emotional pain they feel. Whether it comes in the form of romantic love or through loss, heartbreak is ubiquitous. Yet we know so little about how to deal with it. With great wisdom and empathy, Guy explores how different our lives and our society would be if we better understood this unique emotional pain. 

Imagine we treated broken hearts with the same respect and concern we have for broken arms. Guy urges us to rethink the way we deal with emotional pain, offering warm, wise, and witty advice for the broken-hearted. Our hearts might be broken, we do not have to break with them. We can take control of our lives and our minds and put ourselves on the path of healing. This book (with superb illustrations by Henn Kim) published by TED Books, offers a 'toolkit' for how to handle and cope with a broken heart and how to - eventually - move on. There are four (4) chapters in this book, and I include some of my favorite quotes for each chapter:

Chapter 1: How the Brokenhearted Are Abandoned. “Our journey through heartbreak is determined by multiple variables: the specific nature of the relationship or loss, our fundamental character and coping styles, our individual and familial histories, the current context of our lives, and how we manage or mismanage our recovery. The last crucial variable that impacts our recovery is also the one most likely to disappoint us – our available support systems: friends and family, communities, schools, and places of employment”; “Most of us know of only two healing agents: social support and time”; “When our heart is broken, what determines others’ compassion is not how much emotional pain we actually feel but how much emotional pain they believe we should feel”; “Creating mysteries and conspiracies where none exist is a common response to romantic breakups”; “The worst thing we could do for ourselves when we are hurting is to internalize [it], become self-critical as a result, and deny ourselves the very empathy and support we so badly need.”

Chapter 2: When Hearts Break, Brains and Bodies Break Too. “Heartbreak is a hijacker. The emotional anguish it causes invades our thoughts, captures our attention, seizes our focus, and dominates our awareness”; “Reliving old memories and going through pictures is something many of us might do in the first hours, days or even weeks following a breakup… like a drug addict… We become intensely focused on the person who broke our heart (the ‘drug’)”; “In the era of social media, the most common way people satisfy their craving for the person who broke their heart is to stalk them digitally”; “Difficult as it is to unfriend, unfollow, block or delete our access to the person’s cyber world, it is the only prudent way to prevent ourselves from stalking them again in the future”; effects of heartbreak such as “panic attacks”, “cardiac abnormalities”, “stress” lead to depression, “suppressed immune system functioning” and more; “Heartbreak impacts our minds, our brains, and our bodies in direct, measurable, and unfortunate ways… to heal from a broken heart we have to first stop making things worse.”

Chapter 3: The Many Mistakes that Set Us Back. “Having a clear understanding of why things ended helps us reach closure much sooner than we might otherwise”; “Psychologically speaking, negative cognitions [inaccurate thoughts or beliefs that make us feel bad about ourselves] have three key features: they are self-critical, harmful or limiting; they are inaccurate to some degree; and most problematic, we tend to be convinced they are true”; “Our ‘cravings’ for them [ex] make us focus disproportionally in their best qualities... [Don’t!]… The best way to avoid idealizing the person who broke our heart is to deliberately force a balanced perspective in our mind”; “Avoiding things [memories of the person, places, activates together] does not lessen their emotional impact on us – it supersizes it… the best way to do so is by revisiting these places under different and specific circumstances so we can create new associations for them”; “We must be willing to make one crucial decision – to let go.” 

Chapter 4: Healing Starts with the Mind. “Our body’s priority is always to heal and keep us alive… but our mind’s priority is… to keep us away from situations that have hurt us in the past. The more painful an experience is, the harder the mind will work to make sure we do not make that ‘mistake’ again… to that end, when our heart is broken, our mind tries to keep our pain fresh and unforgettable…”; “Our bodies heal well automatically. Our minds do not”; “To fully heal when our heart is broken, we have to look in the mirror (metaphorically and perhaps literally) and tell ourselves it’s time to let go. And that can be extremely difficult… we need to let go our hope, of the fantasy in which we undo what went wrong… we need to truly say good-bye – to turn away from love, even when there is no longer a person or animal there to receive it… we need to let go of a part of ourselves, of the person we were when our love still mattered”; “We have to rebuild our self-esteem by practicing self-compassion”; “Emotional pain should not and need not be a constant companion.”

Epilogue: Making Emotional Pain Visible. “When societies do not sanction grief, we internalize these standards and regard our own emotions and reactions as less legitimate… If emotional pain we visible, heartbreak and the suffering if caused would not remain disenfranchised for long. When we show up to work or school with a broken leg, arm, or even a broken finger, we often garner more attention, concern, and consideration, because we can see the splints or bandages, than we are likely to when our heart is broken. They are there as evidence that we hurt. And yet, broken bones inflict none of the profound cognitive, emotional, and psychological impairments heartbreak does”; “Heartbreak is all around us. It’s time we open our eyes and see it, for only then can we truly heal it and move on.”

THINK BIG. START SMALL. GO DEEP.

[P.s: Why you need to buy a book? Borrow from your local library!]

7 Suggestions on How to Respond to MH370 Tragedy

The recent tragedy of the missing Malaysia Airlines plane MH370 since last Saturday (8^th March 2014) certainly brings this question to the minds of many people of faith: If God is good, why does He allow bad thing happened? Why does He permit this tragic disaster to occur? While the most honest and truthful (and often cliché) answer is that “He’s God and He knows what He’s doing” – we as a human beings know that we need more than that.

Maybe this is the part where the Book of Job is very relevant for us today. The only truth that came out from Zaphar’s lip was when he asked Job, “Can you solve the mysteries of God? Can you discover everything about the Almighty?” (Job 11:7, NLT) When Job doesn’t understand what was really happened to him, God needs him to understand that – at the moment of his present disaster, Job doesn’t need to understand why. Knowing this mystery and the sovereignty of God in all things can often make the difference between moving closer to the Lord or turning our backs on Him.

It would be impossible, in just one short article, to go into all the reasons for suffering and for why God allows tragedy. There are many good books written for that purpose. I trust that task to the Holy Spirit to reveal and teach you and to your pastor to explain it to you. (As Christian workers, we try our best to do this). Instead, I want to focus on 7 suggestions on how we should respond to this tragedy:

#1: Try to Pray-on-the-Spot

Every time I read people posted “Pray for MH370”, I wonder, do they really pray? Besides being hypocrite, more often than not even sincere people also sometime didn’t pray because they forget about what they had said and promised they will do. Last night, I and my friends; Supang, Finiks and Donald spontaneously prayed for the tragedy while waiting for our movie show. Instead of talking and hoping for the best, we decided to take time to pray on the spot. While reading the news or while driving, take your personal time to pray.

#2: Try Compassion

Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” While empathy refers more generally to our ability to take the perspective of and feel the emotions of another person, compassion is when those feelings and thoughts include the desire to help. I believe that if we really being compassionate toward the MH370 victims and their love ones, we wouldn’t have thoughts of saying or writing about sensitive matters that may hurt others. Though in practical most of us can’t be there physically to help, we do much help when we pray and spread words of hope to one another. We will seek the great good for others.

#3: Try Get the Latest Updates

Get the latest updates about the MH370 tragedy will help us to respond better and more accurately. Never try to be in the know-it-all or be an expert or try to spread unwarranted speculations which are not based on truth and evident. Shut up more and speak up less. Unless you’re the media reporters or the rescuers on the ground, Malaysians will appreciate if you keep your opinions to yourselves.

#4: Try Not to Major on Only One News

By now, all eyes and ears are on the MH370 tragedy. As much as it is important to be concern about the tragedy, most of us sometime unaware of what others important news happening around Malaysia at this time such as raging Cameron Highlands forest fire, unhealthy and thick haze in Shah Alam, BR1M 3.0 is not distribute properly, no rain and water problem, Anwar Ibrahim was found guilty by the Court of Appeal, Datuk Lee Chong Wei wins the All-England Open title for a third time, Prime Minister Najib Abdul Razak said that the leakages in the subsidy supply chain cannot be avoided as long as price controls and bulk subsidies are set in place by the government, etc.

Do you know about all these news?

#5: Try Self-Control

By this I mean we don’t need to repeat what people have said. Control the amount of our Facebook and social media posts about the MH370 tragedy. Maybe we can reduce the amount of links and only share what we ourselves have read and understood. Self-control here also mean that we don’t get too obsess with the news that we forget to do what we should do such as our tasks at workplace, assignments at class and responsibilities at home. Balance between suggestion #3, #4 and #5.

#6: Try Silence and Solitude

Flee, be silent and pray.

#7: Place Your Faith, Hope and the Future to God

Yesterday I wrote: “In time of crisis, our weaknesses revealed. In time of chaos, we finally realized who our true friends are and who our real foes are. The nation is a picture of the conditions of its leaders and people. The people's reactions are the state of what they believe. There is no obvious emotional and visible differences – we all think and feel very much the same – but what really make the difference is, the invincible: Faith in the the Living Christ. That is why I consciously pray for the MH370 and places my Faith in Him who is There with us. Other than this, we have no hope both now and the future” (Edited). These are my suggestions.

“We are merely moving shadows…
And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?

My only hope is in you”

(Psalms 39:6-7, NLT)

Lord, Please Send MH370 Home, We Pray. Amen.

THINK BIG. START SMALL. GO DEEP.