Help Child Deal with Divorce #9 Annabel, the Lord Make His Face Shine on You

Dear Annabel,

            Divorce is often compared to death because the grief is similar to what one feels when someone has died. But of course, that statement is over rated. One thing is sure though, it’s okay for you to cry… Crying, as you know, is a natural way to deal with losses. And divorce – the ending of your family as you know it – is a huge loss.

            Cry, I and your aunty are here for you. Crying is not a form of weakness. If you think crying is not cool, then think again. Crying helps you express your emotions and acts as a release valve to let go of the awful sadness and pain that builds up inside you. You will almost always feel better after you have cried. In John 11:35, when our Lord Jesus felt sad about the death of his friend Lazarus, he “wept.” Even Jesus shed tears when He feels sad and angry. Ah, I know, Bel, you may prefer to be alone when you cry… you may feel embarrassed… but don’t be ashamed to cry in front of us or your parents and friends. If they really care about you, it’s a great way to let them know that you need support.

            You will feel better, I promise. It might not happen tomorrow or next week or even next month, but eventually you will become comfortable with your new life as a person with divorced parents. Going through a divorce is like experiencing a bad weather. First you notice black clouds, then the sky gets darker and darker… then rain and strong wind. You’re frightened, and you feel like the whole world is coming apart. Then guess what? Everything will change! The clouds will disappear, the wind dies down, the sky bright and the sun shines again. No matter how bad the storm is, the sun will always shine after it is gone. You’ll be fine. In fact, you’ll be stronger!

Dear child, this is my prayer to you:

“The Lord bless you and keep you;

the Lord make his face shine on you

and be gracious to you;

the Lord turn his face toward you

and give you peace” (Numbers 26:24-26)

love,

Angelus

THINK BIG. START SMALL. GO DEEP.

Help Child Deal with Divorce #8 Annabel, the Pain Can Be Eased by Sharing

Dear Annabel,

            I can understand how you feel, the pain seems to won't go away. The pain from a divorce is not like the pain you get from hitting your thumb with a hammer. The pain from a sore thumb can be treated with ice, some medicine or over time, it will heal. The pain from divorce can't be treated with a medicine or ice, but it can be eased a lot by talking, sharing and converse about it. Bel, if you keep your feelings to yourself it only makes the pain harder to take, and talking about it makes it easier to deal with. I'm glad you share with uncle and aunty about this, but we're not always there for you physically. We can only do so much. Of course, we want to be there for you but it would be good if you can share with someone that is close to you.

            You can talk to friends, family members, school counselors, your pastor and even your parents. Your mom and dad might be very busy now with their own pain that they forget to ask you about yours. That's okay, you can share with them later. And talk to God, pray to Him. Pour out your heart to Him. He will listen to you. "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" (Matthew 7:7-11). You're God's child, ask and tell Him!

            Do you know any Christian adults or friends that may have experienced the same thing as you do? A woman counselor is good. Ask your parents to arrange for an appointment with a counselor (or if you're okay, I can arrange it for you). Counselor knows exactly what you are going through and they can give you the tools you need to deal with your pain.

 See you next week!

Angelus

THINK BIG. START SMALL. GO DEEP.

Help Child Deal with Divorce #7 Annabel, You're Not the Reason They Are Spliting

Dear Annabel,

            Don't freak out, stay calm, my child. You're not the cause of your parents' divorce. If you think the divorce happened because of something you did or didn't do, don't believe it. That's nonsense. Your behavior or attitude has nothing to do with their splitting up. You may make them angry sometimes (like I was to my parents), but never the reason for their unhappy marriage.

            Bel, your parents decided to split up because of their relationship with each other, not because of their relationship with you. If your parents seem inattentive, mean or uncaring at this moment, you might feel they're blaming you for the split. I understand how that feel. As you know by now (because I keep repeating it), divorce is not easy for anyone in the family. Your dad and mom going through a break up that often causes them to be extremely stressful. And stress may cause them to act differently and sometimes rather strange. Deep down in their hearts, they still love you. They just being distracted. So don't take it personally.

            Uncle noticed that sometimes I said things I don't mean in the heat of the moment. How during a flight I blurted out that I hate someone without really mean it. Well, Annabel, sometime your parents may say things they don't meanwhile they are going through a divorce. During one of these bad moments, they might say something very hurtful. I hope not... but if this happens, don't believe it! Wait until everyone settles down and calm, then you can talk and ask them about it, okay?

  Love,

Angelus

THINK BIG. START SMALL. GO DEEP.

Help Child Deal with Divorce #6 Annabel, Helps Your Parents to Understand You

Dear Annabel,

Your mom and dad can get really angry with each other during a divorce. It's pretty normal for them to argue, and it's pretty normal for you to want to stop them. I used to think that way too, I want my parents to stop arguing with one another. But there is one thing that you need to understand: We cannot work things out for them. They need to do it for themselves. Your parents need to resolve their own problems. You have the right to feel sad, to be angry, even cry. After all said and done, at the end of the day, you have to stay calm. And as you already know, it's not always easy to do…

            Your parents are there to help you, but during a divorce, they might be stressed, angry, sad, confused, frustrated and depressed. Their judgment clouded and sometimes they're so caught up in their own issues that they forget about you. Not that they stop loving you, they're just distracted. And you know what Annabel, they might need your help instead. It's perfectly fine to try to help them get through this difficult time. Although you can't possibly make them feel better (you might feeling pretty bad yourself), you can try to empathize. I have reminded your dad that he must be empathizing to you too. To understand you. In the same way, you need to try to understand both of your parents.

            For them to understand you, you need to communicate and to be honest about how you are feeling and let them know in a calm way what you need. Like uncle said, they don't really know how you feel unless you tell them. If they know, they, on the other hand, can help you feel safe and loved. In this way, you help them to understand you.

   See you soon,

Angelus

THINK BIG. START SMALL. GO DEEP.

Help Child Deal with Divorce #5 Annabel, You're Loved Regardless

Dear Annabel,

Divorce means the end of a marriage. It doesn't mean that your parents will stop loving you and go off and find a new child to take your place. Your parents were in love when they got married – Annabel, you were born out of that love! You're loved! Divorce happens because parents stop loving each other, not because they stop loving you.

You might be very sad when you heard the news about your parents' decision. But know this: You're loved! Your parents love you and we love you very much, your aunty and I. In fact, your parents probably need your love as they go through this tough period of their relationship. I've met your father last week. He told me how much he loves you. You know, during their break up, they were stressed and they might be too distracted to reassure you as much as you need.

Tomorrow you're going to meet your mother… if you're unsure about her love for you, tell her how you feel. Tell your father too. Sometimes adults don't show so much, but truly in the case of your parents, they love you very much. You're loved!

  God bless you,

 Angelus

THINK BIG. START SMALL. GO DEEP.

Help Child Deal with Divorce #4 Annabel, Nobody Can Make Anybody Love Anybody Else

Dear Annabel,

This is going to sound really awful, but it isn't much you can do to stop your parents from getting a divorce. You have tried, uncle knows about it, to get your parents to love each other again. But the truth is, my dear, nobody can make anybody love anybody else. You don’t have to play-cupid, it is a mythology. I don't want to be sound harsh, you know that your parents have made a decision and it's something you will not able to change no matter how hard you try.

Do you know? Many children who are going through a divorce dream that their parents will get back together – but that very seldom happens. Your parents have made what they believe is the best decision, and by the time they tell you their decision, they've thought about it a lot and have pretty much made up their minds. We who witnessed your parents making decision know that it was a tough decision for them both.

 So, Bel, rather than putting your energy into trying to get your parents to stay together, put your energy into helping yourself stay strong. There is a blessing in this mess. Remember that you once told uncle that you want to make a difference? Well, if you face this difficult moment with a brave heart and faith in God, our Saviour, you someday can help those who will face the issue of divorce like you. You can be their mentor and teacher! :)

Love,

Angelus

THINK BIG. START SMALL. GO DEEP.

Help Child Deal with Divorce #3 Annabel, Sometime Divorce Is the Best Option

Dear Annabel,

    Divorce is probably one of the hardest things your parents will face in their lives. This might seem confusing to you because, after all, they are the ones who decided to get divorced. If you ask me, why are they doing it? My answer would be: I couldn’t know exactly.

    All I know is, Bel, they are unhappy with each other. Unhappy parents create unhappy homes. I believe that your family has a better chance of happiness if the two of them live apart. I know that no matter how hard they tried to make the marriage work (I was consulting your father at that time), they just don’t feel they can.

            Divorce is a tough decision. Your parents probably know that you want them to stay together, and they might feel terribly guilty about it… but feeling guilty is no reason to stay married. I know that they don’t want this to happen either, they were thinking about you too – you must know that! – but sometimes in marriage, divorce is unavoidable. It shouldn’t be the first choice, nor the second, nor is the third but in the case of your parents, divorced the best option.

I and your aunt will meet you soon, then we can talk about this matter in detail. Meanwhile, take care and focus on your study and keep your faith in Christ. Pray, He understands.

        Love,

Angelus

THINK BIG. START SMALL. GO DEEP.